Due to the recent East London trip, I feared losing a lot of my 'unpublished' blogs... Thank God, Yahoo is doing their job to save and file, thus, I was able to retrieve all of my folders. :D
Still, I found myself wanting to look back to good memories some years ago... and more willing to share today.
Hurt No More.
I don’t remember which part of the program the song ‘Still’ was sung… All I remember is that we were standing and singing…
I couldn’t remember hearing the entirety of the song, too… All I know is that when I heard the lines, ‘Find rest, my soul. In God, alone,’ I started crying unabashedly. I suddenly found myself alone in the huge hall. Crying out to God. Telling Him how tired I am. Really, really tired. I am having a hard time writing now; I can feel my eyes welling with tears just by remembering how it happened. The line was ringing in my ears. No other lyrics became audible except that, it’s like it automatically blurred into fading…
And then, with the line repeating in my mind, I talked to Him, “Ama, pagod na pagod na po ako. Ang sakit-sakit po. Ikaw lang po ang makakapag-alis ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. At alam ko po, kapag naalis po yun, mararamdaman ko ang kapayapaan mo at magiging madali ang pagapapatawad ko.” I was simply repeating these words, telling Him I’m tired and I do not know any tiredness beyond this is still possible. I am telling Him how weak I was. How I can feel that I’ll fall anytime soon. It’s beyond physical tiredness. It’s simply unfathomable.
Before the song came to an end, I felt a certain feeling of calmness. I don’t know how to call it but the closest thing I have in my vocabulary for that feeling is peace. The song is continuously being played at the same time, I was feeling peace from within. I was still crying but this time, I was smiling. I saw Jesus’ face, so peaceful, so calm; smiling at me. Beside Him is Mama Mary nodding her head as if agreeing to what Jesus was telling me. I am not hearing anything; I am just seeing them, feeling them. I know that they were comforting me. I also know we went to the little Cheche and I asked Jesus to tell little Cheche to forgive. That it is over. That there is no need to fight. That she was not neglected. And I remember Jesus telling the little girl, you are loved, Anak. You are loved. Ahhh…the little Cheche was smiling back while I was drenched, literally, in tears.
We came back to the hall. This time I felt very light, though still crying. The aura of calmness and peacefulness still remains. When the song ended, I couldn’t stop uttering the words, Thank you. I just said thank you over and over again. I felt peace. I felt joy; sheer joy. I felt loved. And I am affirmed that peace, joy, and love like this can only come from Him.
Onwards to a new journey.
I am taking my life one day at a time right now. I know I have succumbed to a lot of weaknesses in the months that passed and I am fully aware repercussions from those actions will arise. But, I am not a bit bothered. I am enjoying my journey for I now appreciate that He is journeying with me. I am reminding myself always that triggers will come, fangs of negativities will arise…But I can easily chide my self into making her realize simply that she is loved and that’s all that matters now…I am loved. I am loved by Jesus, the lover of my soul.
A note for you:
This composition is a piece of my being. No grammar check, no assurance of subject-verb agreement. Just plain writing from within.
I do not write to seek refuge. I simply want to write it down. So when I look back, I’ll remember how God became victorious that day.
I may have fallen a thousand times in the months that passed…
But I just don’t want to look back at that…I just want to move on. I decide and I desire to move on.
Praise be to His name, my rock, my fortress, my salvation.
