Bogged down lately by the 'what-have-I-achieved-really' disease. In a time when people are counting anniversaries, celebrating birthdays, I found myself thinking...I am here now; what have I really become? What have I really achieved?
I felt so low, like life was sucked out of me. I didn't realize it at first. Further introspection led me to realize what was happening. I am focusing on what I have not achieved. I am leaning towards what I hoped for and did not happen. "After all these years; you've achieved so little", I can hear myself saying. Mind you, I need not look outside my self to be envious of what others have achieved; I can be by myself and start lambasting myself with degrading comments...all on my own.
I tried to shrug it off. I need to function. I have work. I need to be in the world for the meantime.
Then a friend called. She was was asking for some clarifications about how she's feeling. We walked side by side through her emotions. I was somehow helping her process why she's feeling what she's feeling.
The Lord has His loving ways...super!
Just when I thought I was the one 'helping' a dear friend...it was actually me benefiting from the conversation.
We were both allowing ourselves to be 'victims' of our past; of our shortcomings; of our failed dreams. And all along we are missing the beauty of the journey. The problem with us sometimes is we reinvent and retell the story of the past to ourselves...believing it would make us feel better. Only to realize that it makes us bitter...not better. Leave the past. Capture the lessons. Bask in the victory of past failures; looking back, you became better after every bout.
I instantly indulged myself in a moment of gratefulness. I made a mental list of places I have been to, places that I have never dreamed of, even in my sweetest dreams, I'd be going to; I reminisced conferences I have attended; I thought of very loving people I have met in the years that passed. I even revisited my previous birthdays, Christmases, New Years, family gatherings, fellowship, every celebration of life I could think of, and in SFC, we really mean it when we say "a lot." Whew! It was quite exhausting and refreshing at the same time. It was not all happy moments...but all in all; majority; majority = 90% of these moments were love-filled, happiness-overloaded experiences.
Now, I recognized what just happened earlier. I failed to be grateful. I did not decide to be thankful. I wallowed in what could have been instead of what victories have been achieved in spite of.
I am sorry, Lord. I know I should have known better to be more grateful than ever. Because You have proved it to me several times...a lot of times, already.
I remember another dear friend once told me, "Do not be sad that it ended. Be grateful that it happened." and indeed, thank You for all the experiences; thank You for the blessings. Thank You; I am grateful. Thank You.
